Pop Kulcher

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Member Since: 7/1/2002
Total Mixes: 376
Total Feedback: 895

The Rock Snob's Guide To Compiling The Worst Mix Ever

Artist Song
The Cure  I'll Stop The World And Melt With You 
The Kinks  What I Like About You 
Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy 
Jimmy Buffett  Cheeseburger In Paradise  
Attila  Amplifier Fire 
The Osmonds  Crazy Horses  
Journey  Open Arms  
Starship  We Built This City  
Led Zeppelin  Dazed And Confused (live, Memphis, 4/17/70) 
Limp Bizkit  This Is One Crappy Band 
Limp Bizkit  Whoo, Boy, Hard To Imagine A Worse Band 
Limp Bizkit  Yep, They Just Bite Like Crazy 
Acoustic War Against Satan  Martyr's Death 
OMC  How Bizarre  
Rick Dees  Disco Duck 
Rolling Stones  Fool To Cry 

Comment:

In the spirit of Mixxer's recent The Mysteries Of Art Of The Mix, here is my unabashedly elitist attempt at compiling the essential ingredients for a truly abysmal mix.

1-2) What better way to start than with a mislabelled track? Typically a tell-tale sign of a 12-year-old with Kazaa. Alas, with the days of free mp3 file sharing easing into the past, examples of wholly inaccurate song titles and/or credits are becoming increasingly scarce.

3) The dreaded unidentified artist -- bastard stepchild of the mislabeled track, again typically arising out of mp3 file sharing. Not to be confused with using an obscure track you unearthed on an unlabeled 78 you found in grandma's basement, but rather a readily-identifiable track that you don't bother to identify.

4) Back in law school, my upstairs neighbors would stumble home drunk late at night and play Jimmy Buffett as loud as possible. Now, I'm not one to dis people for drunkenly playing loud music late as night -- I plead guilty of that myself -- but Jimmy Buffett? Every freakin' weekend?

5) The worst album I ever owned? The self-titled (and only) album by Attila -- Billy Joel's pre-solo-career, Iron Buttefly-inspired acid rock distorted organ & drums nightmare. That said, this is an example of one of those songs that is so bad that its judicious use can increase the entertainment value of a mix immensely. But it's a dangerous balancing act -- today's so-bad-it's-funny mix may be the one too painful to ever listen to again once the novelty wears off.

6) One of the first albums I ever bought was the Osmonds' Crazy Horses, way back in the early 70's. And boy was it bad. I mean unbelievably, life-affectingly bad. Particularly the title track, which was about as close to heavy metal as these scrubbed-clean Mormon kids ever got. Then again, this may be one of those songs that's so bad it's great.

7-8) Then again, while some songs are so bad they're fun in a campy sorta way, others are just bad. Painfully, irredeemably bad. Now, the worst thing you can do in evaluating a mix is simply criticize someone whose taste happens to be different from your own. I get that. But I'm sorry, there's just no way you can include a song like "Open Arms" or "We Built This City" and not be mocked. Especially if you include a whole bunch of songs like this.
9) Nothing like breaking up the flow of a mix with a 45-minute live jam. Obviously there are exceptions -- if you're doing a prog mix, or a jam-band mix, or a jazz mix, you may end up with 6 15-minute songs and still have a pretty cool mix. But 15 3-minute songs broken up by an inexplicably-included wankfest seems like a sure-fire way of rendering a mix unpalatable. Bonus points if you simply post the setlist from a bootleg concert as a purported mix.

10-12) Hey, a single artist mix is one thing. Using a few tracks from the same artist peppered throughout a mix? Sure, why not. But having a handful of songs by the same artist in a row? I don't get it. Bonus points if the artist in question is incredibly crappy.

13) Just as it would be wrong of me to criticize a particular artist or song, it would be really inappropriate to mock an entire genre of music just because it's not my style. But Christian death metal? Fair game.

Cont. below
image for mix

Feedback:

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Pop Kulcher
Date: 2/2/2006
Mix Description, Continued:

14-15) Ah, novelty songs. On the one hand, they can lighten up a mix, add an element of fun. And, who knows, a gimmicky song that you're certain will age poorly may end up being one of those guilty pleasures that you never tire of. (I'll admit that I still enjoy Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping" and Len's "Steal My Sunshine"; is that so very wrong?) But even the ones that seem like they'd be a hoot when you're getting ready to burn the mix -- hey, wouldn't it be fun to hear Steve Martin's "King Tut"? -- could have you tossing the disc into the trash when sobriety sets in.

16) Finally, it's possible to muck up a mix by making the wrong choice from a perfectly respectable artist. Every band that's been around for awhile is gonna jump the shark sooner or later. Why pick the most aurally offensive song in the artist's back catalog? Unless, of course, you're making a mix that's all about compiling the very worst songs from otherwise really great bands. Hey, wait, good idea... I think I'll work on that one next.

Last, but not least, the most horrible aspect of a really bad mix? It doesn't exist. I never burned it. I don't even own most of these songs. Maybe it's just me, but isn't it annoying when someone posts a mix that they didn't really make? Maybe a supposed mix with 47 songs that couldn't possibly fit onto a single cdr, or a mix of 8 songs with a comment "here's something I might get around to finishing some day"? Anyone can come up with a list of songs. But this isn't Art Of The List. Make the mix. Stand by it.

[As for the cover art... I figured it was appropriate to use what I consider to be the worst album cover ever -- Emerson Lake & Palmer's Love Beach. Yum!]
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Barrydali
Date: 2/2/2006
Hahaha! Oh you have brightened up my morning with this atrocity. And yes the inclusion of We Built This City is unforgivable and all those guilty should be hunted down and made listen to it on a loop for a week, rather akin to making an errant child smoker smoke a whole pack to drive the point across, brutal but ultimately effective. My own sure tell tale sign of a bad mix is when the person calls it something like 'These Songs F**king Rock' and proceeds to put in their comments 'Kick ass' or some equally profound platitude. Oh and then normally kick off their own feedback with 'I love it' and promptly issue themselves with 5 stars. God bless 'em we would miss them if they went.
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Surfin Dead
Date: 2/3/2006
#We Built this citeee... we built this city on rock an' roll#...
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Bear
Date: 2/3/2006
How about a trade Marc?
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sammyg123
Date: 2/3/2006
WOW, trade? Immensely entertaining friday morning browsing this. I laughed aloud on many occasions, not least the link to Kura's best of 2004 (sorry K). Take 5 stars for a truly grotesque mix.
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gobi
Date: 2/3/2006
. . . . bear beat me to it . . .
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abangaku
Date: 2/3/2006
hmm... you know, as much as i feel like i'd loathe any further contribution to this, i still feel the need to raise my zen-like finger and say that to be truly the worst mix ever, the category needs to be "Alternating DJ" (i don't believe i've seen a true Alternating DJ mix since i've joined this site; i propose "Theme" as the new default category, since you can't really go wrong with that one).that said, i don't think it's quite fair for a self-professed Parashuramic rock snob to be taking on someone who appears to be 14 years old or thereabouts. i for one am just glad that the Platonic idea of the Art of the Mix still seems to be shining through in her list of mixes! (when i was 14 i know i wasn't even paying attention to, say, who the artist of a song is....)(tangent: i also, it's true, never understood the whole Linkin Park backlash as it is -- and even though i don't exactly i love how their paramount mood combines with Jay-Z's, the sheer fact that they did what they did with their songs makes me hit my head and think, *how come no one's ever done this before??* unless, you know, you count Fripp/Belew in '80s King Crimson -- another case where mathematical pattern-fitting trumps paramount mood-fitting.)in conclusion, i remember when i was putting together my all-time-favorite songs mix (which i posted here much later as "Wonder, Could You Ever Know Me?") and recognized that if i wasn't limiting myself to one song per artist, i would have to put in 6 or 7 Bob Dylan songs out of 16... blessed are the ones who persevere through ridicule.
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doublefourtime
Date: 2/3/2006
Awesome. Just what I need to read when I come back from an exam. Though I admit that I have a soft spot in my heart for 'We Built This City' and 'How Bizzare' (and it's strange to think I was only 9 or 10 when that came out).
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Jenergy
Date: 2/3/2006
Marc, to continue with the truly bad mixes, you need to post an individual reply to each comment, thus doubling your comment count. And dreadful as ELP is, I think downloaded teen porn makes for a better cover (esp if the mix title is something like "Hot Summer Dance Mix").
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Little Spencer Boys
Date: 2/3/2006
#3 (if I missed another, sorry) is by Frank Zappa & the Mothers... If you need the album, let me know... And where oh where are the Carpenters? 'Course taste is in the mouth of the belolder and I can't stand U2 when Bono and the boys get preachy, but that's just me...
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plushpig
Date: 2/3/2006
Hand on heart, which of us can honestly say we haven't committed at least one of the abve sins? I know I can't!
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Mr. Mirage
Date: 2/3/2006
******Well, now that I have nearly recovered from the infamous Laughing So Hard I Passed Coffee AND Mug Through The Nose...Hopefully, if I click on the links provided above, I won't too many of my own mixes, but even so...I have to admit that from the time I first came here, right up to this moment, I have only had one "flamer" (are they still called that?) get on my case about one of my mixes, and I deleted the mix, and the individual has yet to post a mix (!) so this is one of the best sites going, imho. We all seem to "get it" >different strokes for different folks< is the byline of AOTM.
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Sean Lally
Date: 2/3/2006
That ELP album is their best! Well, maybe it's their best chest hair shot... This is too funny. Not sure, but I might find Rick Dees to be the best track here.... Hear that Rolling Stones?!?
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Mark Petruccelli
Date: 2/3/2006
There's actually a worse Stardhip track .... "Skateboard" ... "In the middle of the desert, I'd build a pool for you...." or some such drivel.

This is brilliant
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Randy13
Date: 2/3/2006
MEDIUM RARE WITH MUSTARD TASTES NICE!!!!!
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Mr. Attention
Date: 2/3/2006
Worst. Mix. Ever. Hilarious commentary & these are great cautionary guidelines. Thanks for giving me some much needed levity this morning at work!
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Nomates
Date: 2/3/2006
Cruel yet fair. Vicious yet reasonable. Shameful secrets: I used to dance to Crazy Horses when I had the necessary hair to be able to do so in the correct fashion. I like the OMC song. I have been known to play Starship in the cause of "entertainment". I can't go on. I feel so exposed. It's as though you "found all my letters and read them all out loud..." I bow to the master of accompanying notage.
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musicgnome
Date: 2/3/2006
Freakin hilarious...from my standpoint, all I want to see from a mix is: effort.

Biggest AoTM turn-off: People who suck the joy out the comments page. You know who you are...elitest pontificators (usually calling out what they view as music snobbery). Those who defend individuality by stereotyping others.

And, to those individuals, I say: I get it. You're the smartest, ever. I accept the fact that is your role, and your role alone, to be confrontational, smug and devoid of a sense of humor.

Now, move along.
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valis
Date: 2/3/2006
Perfectly executed. (And there are those who should be.)

I'm with Nomates and abangaku inasmuch as you were "Cruel yet fair. Vicious yet reasonable." As well as (almost) zen-like in the approach. Pop Kulcher is now, and always has been, one of the best Rock Snob's Rock Snob. A man of good taste who doesn't lord his pomposity over we more pedestrian types. (Unlike other.) Pop Kulcher is callous with humor, some have no humor and no apparent people skills whatsoever.While we are all guilty of some of the crimes elucidated this rather effectively points out the guideposts to mixes where you shake your head and mumble "sheesh. What are you, xx-years old..? That's no excuse." Like Mixxer's monumental mix noted in the comments this, too, should be placed in an Exhibit alongside it as landmarks to be read by all. I applaud.
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jtmehrin
Date: 2/3/2006
What's wrong with "Fool To Cry"?
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Nest of Vipers
Date: 2/3/2006
HYSTERICAL!
MoTW!!! for best comedy.
Thanks PK, I needed that.
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French Connection
Date: 2/3/2006
Outstanding! There's a little of the 'Rock Snob' sitting on most of our shoulders but when it comes down to it I find age tempers my opinion or is it that I'm just too lethargic to get rankled or opinionated? Right now my 4 year old daughter is waltzing around the house listening to 'Disney Princesses,' is there any hope for me cos I find I'm quite enjoying the sound experience! Mind you I draw the line at boy bands!!!
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p the swede
Date: 2/3/2006
what they all said, great fun
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Rob Conroy
Date: 2/3/2006
This is hilarious and very, very accurate.
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Siobhan
Date: 2/3/2006
Great idea, great fun, and in some cases, a reminder of some errors I made when I first arrived on these fair shores :) A big amen to your last comment - I have to have a concrete copy of the mix, burned, done and dusted before it goes anywhere near AotM. Also, I agree with Chris in that it's always really nice to see a lot of effort going into a mix. Good on you for doing this!
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Stippenquop
Date: 2/3/2006
I disagree with your last point -- mixes that don't really exist can be an absolute hoot to make! I must check out Attila asap.
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12vman
Date: 2/3/2006
Very funny. Excellent "list"!
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Orchid
Date: 2/3/2006
Sorry to be disagreeable, but with the right friends and the right refreshments I could imagine having a blast listening to this mix. Why, just last week my friend and I made up a fun little dance routine to Cheeseburger in Paradise. I kid you not. I've also recently discovered the joys of the 45 minute live jam, and I believe it can add interest to an otherwise boring mix of 3 minute songs. And I love Steve Perry's voice. It's truly one of a kind, and if you've played the Journey video game as much as I have you can't help but love the band too. And I wouldn't be surprised if someday I find a reason to like Limp Biscuit too. There's a time and a place for everything under the sun, the only exceptions being Tom Waits and Peter Gabriel.
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rachel stardust
Date: 2/3/2006
thanks for making my day.
i especially liked "scuse me while i kiss this guy". hahaha.
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Saaf
Date: 2/3/2006
The problem with musical badness is that it eventually gets so bad that it becomes musical goodness. Thus, the compiler of a bad mix must strike an intricate balance between boring mediocrity and hip dreck. This is a good job. I would have preferred boobs in the cover art. And more mockery. Cameron Franklin, come home!
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Mixxer
Date: 2/3/2006
This mix needs more tracks by Limp Bizkit.
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Moe
Date: 2/3/2006
This is classic Marc. One of the worst mixes ever posted on this site, but I'll still give it 5 stars based on your thoughful and amusing comments (I was ten minutes late to work this morning, thanks to this mix). Of course a real abysmal mixer would have posted it here six times in a row , and spelled Zeppelin without the second "e." Great picks from the Kinks and the Cure, and I honestly enjoy that Osmonds song.
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G-Sphere
Date: 2/3/2006
I thought this mix was great fun when I saw it this morning. Coming back to it tonight I can see that it really has become a classic. Nice job.
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DJ Karen Adams
Date: 2/3/2006
This mix needs more hits by OMC. Oh yeah, they didn't have any others.
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Mike Eternity
Date: 2/3/2006
LOL, an award-worthy deconstruction of AOTM cliches and stereotypes. Except how fucking dare you attack "Disco Duck". In a perfect world, I would put that on every one of my mixes, even the sad pretentious ones.
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Nomates
Date: 2/3/2006
36 comments! make that 37 now. Is this a record? And if so, is it available as an mp3?
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Pop Kulcher
Date: 2/3/2006
Thanks for the feedback, folks. (Almost makes it worth having stayed up `til midnight Thursday night and sleepwalking through the office on Friday.)
Of course, as Jenergy observed below, it wouldn't be a truly horrid mix unless I made sure to respond to every comment posted. Or at least a lot of `em.

Barrydali: Damn, can't believe I forgot about the guy who posted all those mixes and then left himself congratulatory comments. He rocked!

Bear: Sorry, can't trade for this mix. If too many copies circulate, its black market value will decrease.

Abangaku: I have to admit, it took me awhile to figure out why there were so many "Alternating DJ" mixes. Then I forgot to select the genre one time and, voila, I had posted an "Alternating DJ" mix. Made me feel kinda schizophrenic. Also, you made me feel bad about making fun of 14-year-old kids who are trying their best to post entertaining mixes. If you saw the mixes I made when I was 14, you would have ridiculed me big time. Then again, if you had, maybe I would have figured out to make marginally less ridiculous ones. Or I could have been scarred for life and never enjoyed music again. Damn, sure hope I'm not inflicting the latter on anyone, or I'm going to have a hard time falling asleep tonight. Better open another Smirnoff's Ice.

Jenergy: Yep, need to get my own comments in here. And, yes, I was mighty tempted to use some softcore porn as my cover art, but I've already used the "gee, honey, I'm just surfing for cover art images" excuse with my wife already.

Sean: Yes, the ELP chest hair is something to behold, but let's not overlook the, er, "packages," either.

Musicgnome: Alas, I have to confess that there have been one or two occasions where I got so taken aback by a mix that I posted a self-righteous comment that I immediately wished I could take it back. My apologies to anyone here if I did that to you. (Unless you included Starship on your mix. Then you had it coming.)

jtmehrin: "Fool To Cry." Sorry, but I've always considered it to be the Worst. Stones. Song. Ever. At least until everything after Some Girls, but that goes without saying.

French: Regarding children's music - I have to confess a soft spot for the Wiggles. If only because, after a couple years of Barney, the Wiggles were a welcome relief. But the day my kids got past children's music was a wonderful time, even if it means I'm listening to an awful lot of Eminem and Green Day.

Stippen: Alas, Billy Joel's Attila album is long out of print. (The copy I own is a cassette called California Flash that I picked up at a gas station for $1.50, seriously. To his credit, Joel actually included one of the tracks on his recent box set retrospective, so I've gotta respect him for that (having acknowledging himself that it's pretty terrible).

Orchid: And the best part of crappy music is that one man's guilty pleasure is another's. well, crappy music. I can't see ever enjoying Steve Perry, even in the darkest recesses of my heart. But I would never lump Peter Gabriel into that camp. But that's me.

Ion: Good catch. Can't believe I forgot to post this three times. or, even better, posted a 2-song version, then a 6-song version, and then the complete version. Because it's important that everyone on the AOTM site share the joy of the work in progress.
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Curtis_Burns
Date: 2/3/2006
A smack down to end all smack downs. But really Marc, you could've made the point just as well without including...excuse me...without including the S...uhm, sorry...the Starsh...song.........I gotta go...
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Nomates
Date: 2/4/2006
But don't you see, can you not acknowledge their achievement. I mean San Francisco would not exist were it not for them. For Eric's sake they built the place using only rock and roll. That had to be tricky. They probably struggled a bit to fit it all in. The Bay Area owes them a huge debt. And another thing, Modern English were known as the Colchester Cure, so it's an easy mistake. Must I defend this excellent mix further? Can you not see the truth? Will you not admit, Pop Kulcher, that this is where your musical soul really resides. Be not ashamed. Rejoice. Let the masses rail against you. Spurn them, burn them. Rise above it all. Stand proud and tall - nothing's gonna stop us now...
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SteveRaglin
Date: 2/4/2006
Dead-on accurate and appropriate! Thanks for emoting for so many of us!
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musicgnome
Date: 2/4/2006
Oops, I meant to say "Feeback" Section...not Comments Section.

Other non favorite: my inability to make sense or type or spel good.
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joey de vivre
Date: 2/4/2006
Amen, brother!

& you did hit on one of my own pet peeves - posting a list without making the mix is like playing tennis without a net -

oh, & didn't you forget to include some excessive & gratuitous HTML display??
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g.a.b. l@bs
Date: 2/4/2006
Excellent parody!

...an' I HEAR ya'Joey



I hate those damn
SHOWO &nbsp; OFFS
!
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tornadoZ
Date: 2/4/2006
the Osmonds, Steve Perry, and the Disney Princesses rule! and speaking of damn show-offs, those ELP packages are rather staggering.
advice: no more making fun of mixes by 14-yr-old girls. you've seen "Carrie?"
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Mixxer
Date: 2/9/2006
Hey Pop, I just stopped by for another peek. This is masterfully done, and what a scream. To Nomates's question, I don't know if there is a way to determine if it is a record turnout of comments, but I sure don't recall any mix getting this much reaction before.
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doowad
Date: 10/19/2007
I just discovered this, not sure where I was in February 2006, but obviously a long way from AOTM. And I had better come clean and say that I do kind of enjoy 14 and 16...