i love you more than you know (and that won't make things right).

Artist Song
the mountain goats  woke up new 
owen  the ghost of what should've been 
the black heart procession  heart without a home 
track star  the e n d 
bright eyes  falling out of love at this volume 
lucero  hold me close 
tony sly  international you day 
the new trust  fast asleep in her arms 
sondre lerche  maybe you're gone 
aloha  ferocious love 
death cab for cutie  the ice is getting thinner 
american analog set  the golden band 
the good life  october leaves 

Comment:

over the years, i have made him plenty of mixes. some he cherished, others he never listened to. after he handed me the keys and his wedding ring on that afternoon in june, he turned around and walked away. a simple act, no hesitation, no turning back. it was all i could do not to break down. i spent that day and into the next packing his belongings through blurring tears and bleary eyes. but when it came to the mixtapes, i hesitated. "he could never appreciate them now," i thought. and besides, i felt so vulnerable, so stupid, giving him that part of me when he never even wanted it. so i put the tapes in a box that i had already filled with pictures and love letters, ticket stubs and postcards, those little plastic dinosaurs we built together, and other memories that feel like they were made in vain. he came and wordlessly gathered his belongings, and just like that, he was gone. and then there was the moving on. i hoped to find solace in music, but for weeks, any time i fired up my ipod, i burst into tears. i'd like to think i've made progress since then, but every once in awhile, a song i put on a tape for him will come on and i'll choke up. i have found and continue to find that some people write things that say more than i could ever hope to. so it is with that thought that i am making him one last mix. today (10/15) he turns 30 and enters a new stage of his life. today i am taking off my rings and moving on from the grips of this failed marriage. today i am a new person - one who is strong and loyal and worthy of being loved.

happy birthday stephen. this is your final mixtape, and it's filled with the things i can't say. you traded one warm body for another. i am trading my love for a song.

Feedback:

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e. buster
Date: 10/14/2008
Oh, natalye. I don't even know you and I love you. I can so perfectly relate to what you've written - the song that you can't bear to listen to and you can't bear not to listen to, that one song that says what's in your heart when you can't. Stay strong sister, cuz you've always been worthy. And thank you for the lovely mix. :)
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jinnjina
Date: 10/15/2008
when my heart was broken like yours i spent 5 years trying to get over it, heal...
i finally realized that wouldnt happen unless i had closure. i believe closure comes in the form of not walking away feeling like all was lost.
what i finally granted myself was the pride in knowing that i know how to love. truly, completely, beautifully. i know how to love wholly and with commitment. that is truly a gift.
i am sorry you hurt. heal yourself. with music and your love... maybe you will find a better man, maybe not, but if you know how to love nat, it will find you again.
thanks 4 all your great mixes! jenn
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harmonyinmyhead
Date: 10/15/2008
i still miss the man that made lucero hard for me to listen to.
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Rebel Princess
Date: 10/15/2008
Your liner notes made me cry. Can't say I've been there and know how you feel, because I haven't but I've been hurt and I know how much love can hurt. I hope you know how many people on this board love you (and your mixes).
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anthony lombardi
Date: 10/15/2008
natalye, i am breathless. there are no words left for me to respond to this. i think we both know that i need a copy of this, pronto. you're in my heart & thoughts, constantly, don't forget that. needless to say, this heartbreakingly beautiful.
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njr
Date: 10/16/2008
It's a sort of bereavement, and it will take lots more time the pain to fade. It will never completely vanish, but it will become more tolerable. Remember that we in the community are your cheering section, wishing you closure, strength, and hope. You WILL come out on top!!!
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French Connection
Date: 10/17/2008
se-nding hugs your way from French shores. Mix making is a cathartic process, I've utilised such methods myself in the past, though admittedly due to markedly different circumstances. Time is the great healer and until you eventually find the man you undoubtedly deserve, I hope you can find some small solace from our wee community.
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p the swede
Date: 10/19/2008
wow, heartbreaking stuff
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Rob Conroy
Date: 10/24/2008
Jesus, this is something, both the story (okay, particularly the story... wow) and the mix. Hang in there. You *will* be okay.